chekov
18 March 2024 at 12:13 am

My anxiety, dormant for many years in the sense of causing major distress, returned earlier this year in a big way, along with depression; I think the anxiety triggered the depression, more than the other way around.

The thing is, overwhelming anxiety and overwhelming depression are traumas in themselves -- building trauma on top of trauma.

Now, the toughest part of all this (well, one of the toughest) are the periods in a day during which I feel anxious about becoming anxious -- which of course leads to becoming anxious, and then depressed that I feel anxious. This looping self-fulfilling prophecy then terrifies me completely -- fear of becoming completely debilitated and inert because of the bizarre self-destructiveness of my own mind. I start to get swamped by a sense of foreboding. What if this time there's no exit? What if this time... And also it's just so wearying to be dealing with the same kinds of things again and again, when I thought I'd worked through them.

Also, I honestly hate reading about other people's anxious experiences; hearing them just gets me more anxious. At the same time I want to know other people who have these issues; if I meet people I like and respect, maybe I can learn not to feel such contempt for, and anger at, myself.